


Lost Too Long

by ElinorJane



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Aftermath, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dad Kanan, Ezra Bridger Has PTSD, Ezra Bridger Needs a Hug, Parental Kanan Jarrus, Post-Episode: s01e09 Gathering Forces, Protective Kanan Jarrus, but Kanan is there to help, he's been through so much, poor ezra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:55:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28659816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElinorJane/pseuds/ElinorJane
Summary: Ezra’s a tough kid, but events finally take their toll.  Takes place the night of “Gathering Forces”.(Because I wanted dad!Kanan and comfort for poor Ezra.  He’s still a kid, after all.)
Relationships: Ezra Bridger & Kanan Jarrus
Comments: 17
Kudos: 104





	Lost Too Long

When Ezra finally switched off the holoprojector, he was late for dinner. Odds were everyone would notice, and Hera would want to know why he hadn’t appeared the moment food was set out. He didn’t really want to tell the truth. Or talk about anything at all.

So when he shuffled to the galley, he was surprised to see Kanan and Hera weren’t there (and only a little dismayed to see that dinner was ration bars and leftovers). Zeb and Sabine were eating; both nodded to him and resumed their meal with a focus that meant they weren’t going to ask him anything.

“Where’s Kanan and Hera?” Ezra asked, sliding in next to Sabine.

“Don’t know,” Zeb replied. “Said to eat without them.”

Ezra helped himself to some food and one ration bar and focused his attention on dinner. He heard, not saw, Kanan and Hera enter a few minutes later.

“Sabine,” Hera said, all business as usual, “we need to log that new tracker and create a file with all the intel we have for it. Who knows how many more of those the Empire has.”

“Done it,” Sabine said. Out of the corner of his eye, Ezra saw her glance at him, but at the moment, he didn’t care. He finished eating and slid out of the seat.

“Where are you going?” Kanan asked.

“To bed. I’m tired.” Ezra wrapped his arms around himself and stumped out, and nobody tried to stop him.

He really did mean to go to bed but wound up in the cargo hold instead. The lights were dim, and the crates stacked against the wall were tall, imposing, and he slunk behind one of them, fully concealed. Then he remembered there was nothing to hide from, no danger or thieving opportunities to watch for. Hadn’t been for a while. He shook his head to clear it and went to the storage compartments. Almost mechanically, he gathered tools and odds and ends, and sat down behind a stack of crates. The glow of the floor lights was enough to see by; still mechanically, he sorted all the objects by their potential: nuts and bolts, screws, a hinge—maybe he could make or fix some tool that could fold in half inconspicuously.

Habit, of course. To scrounge like this, see what he could make with what he had. Habit also to work at something to get his mind off memories. And so the piles of junk and tools were sorted, analyzed, re-sorted, re-analyzed, heaped together in no order, and sorted out again. And finally jumbled up and thrust into a random compartment, to be sorted again, if necessary. And Ezra finally went to bed.

As he lay down, something in his pocket thumped against his leg. The holodisk. After a pause, he pulled it out, set it on the shelf, and tried to think about something else for now. Hera didn’t need his help to figure things out, but they seemed to be running low on supplies. Maybe there was some mission they could run to get credits, or some Imperial shipment they could lift….

Yeah, thieving. First place his mind went, and one thing he was good at. Not like he’d had much a choice. He turned over and angrily tried to think about something else. The whole connect-to-others thing he’d succeeded at, finally, in those caves…

He’d almost lost Kanan too.

He shook his head fiercely, turned over again, scrambling for something, anything else, to think about. Those stupid junk pieces could be turned into something useful. Or maybe they were better off in the stupid drawer. They were just missing parts, a nuisance unless ignored, like some Loth-rat running the streets—

Ezra ground his teeth, kicked off his blanket, and stared at the dark ceiling.

The memories came back. Softly and slowly.

His father’s deep voice. His mother’s gentle hands. Her soft lullabies when he was scared by storms. The smell of her perfume and nail polish. Her quiet humming as she cooked and cleaned in the kitchen. His father’s eyebrows drawn in concentration as he read. The flash of fire in his eyes when he spoke. Both his parents laughing together late at night. Himself scampering barefoot through the house early in the morning. Curled up on the couch with books. Chasing that stray cat around the backyard.

Hot tears filled his eyes, and Ezra turned over and thrust his face into his pillow. After a minute, he sat up, choking, and stumbled down the ladder and out of the room. 

He climbed onto the couch in the common room, wrapped his arms around his knees, and buried his face in his sleeves. Habit, again, to keep a lid on this. Because weakness made you a target. It wasn’t safe. And now, mixed with the memories of his parents were memories of those first days alone: always on the move. Dodging Storm troopers. Losing his way as he tried to navigate the streets. Hunting for a dry spot to sleep. Wakened by any noise. Hunger pains that had grown so severe, he felt like throwing up.

He suddenly heard a voice. “Hey.” 

Ezra jumped, saw Kanan standing in front of him, brows drawn in concern. He quickly ducked his head. Though of course it was too late; his master had already seen him blubbering like a six-year-old. “Hey,” Ezra answered offhand, trying to act cheerful, but his tone was muffled in his sleeves.

Kanan sat down beside him and said quietly, “Been a long day.” 

Ezra nodded, his head still buried in his arms. After a moment, Kanan set a hand on his shoulder and murmured, “It’s okay.”

Ezra choked and fought to control himself, rubbing away tears. He struggled for another minute. Then something inside him seemed to break. He gave up fighting and shook with sobs.

“It’s okay. It’s okay, Ezra.” Kanan pulled him closer and patted his shoulder.

Ezra gasped for breath. “ _Why?_ Why did my parents think they could win against the Empire? They—they were just two people…”

Kanan sighed heavily. “I guess they hoped—”

“I know what they hoped, Kanan! I know what they wanted and fought for! They told me. Even as a little kid, I knew what they were doing and why.” He shook his head fiercely. “I just didn’t know what it meant…what would happen if they got caught.” He swiped away tears and whispered, “And it didn’t work—no one on Lothal listened!”

“You don’t know—”

“Yes, I do!” Ezra sat upright and faced Kanan. “I ran after…after the Imperials took my parents away, and I went to Tseebo’s house. But he wasn’t there,”—bitterly. “So I went to another friend’s house. I told her what happened, and she said somebody would do something about it, and I should go to another friend’s house. So I went and told them what happened, and they said they were sorry and someone should do something, and they sent me to another house. And I just got sent to another house and another…” He swallowed hard and stared and the floor, huddling in on himself.

“We—we had so many friends. Tseebo, others…only a few knew what my parents really did, but…but we had a lot of friends.” He shut his eyes, pressing out more hot tears. 

“They saw me. Every day while I was on the streets, trying to survive. They didn’t hurt me, or—or report me to the Empire…they didn’t do anything! They didn’t even try! Everyone said the same thing: _somebody_ would do _something, sometime_.” He beat a fist on the couch with each word, shaking with fury and sobs. “And no one went after my parents, Kanan!—looked for them, tried to find out what happened! No one cared.” He clenched his fists and rubbed away tears with his sleeve. “My parents spent their lives standing up for others—but when the worst came…n-no one stood up for them…” He wrapped his arms around himself, choking. He wanted to scream, to hurl something out the airlock, and he felt somehow cold and hot at the same time.

__He also felt Kanan’s hand on his shoulder again, firm and gentle. Ezra sobbed and leaned against Kanan’s side. “I—I did hope—that--that they’d get free, come find me… I couldn’t, for long, but I did…”_ _

__Kanan slipped both arms around Ezra, pulled him closer, and patted his shoulder again. “I’m sorry.”_ _

__“I miss them, Kanan…”_ _

__“I know.”_ _

__“And I almost lost you…”_ _

__“I’m here. It’s okay.”_ _

__Ezra blindly reached for his master and clung to him, sobbing so hard he almost couldn’t breathe. Kanan didn’t move or pull away, and Ezra didn’t know how long they sat there._ _

__Finally, his sobs began to die from pure exhaustion, thought hot tears still fell. He found himself staring at nothing for a while. Kanan was still bent over him._ _

__“Did…” Ezra began hoarsely. “Did Tseebo get away safely?”_ _

__“Hera and Fulcrum took care of it,” Kanan said._ _

__“Where is he?”_ _

__“I don’t know.”_ _

__Ezra tipped his head back and looked at Kanan in surprise, and Kanan gave a brief smile. “I think only Fulcrum knows. It’s better that way.”_ _

__Ezra nodded slowly and shut his eyes._ _

__***  
Sometime later, Hera finished her maintenance work in the cockpit and headed to the galley to get a drink before going to bed. But she stopped short upon entering the common room and then smiled._ _

__Ezra was asleep, slumped against Kanan with both arms wound around his master. The boy’s face was red and a bit swollen, but peaceful. Kanan had one arm around him, holding him close. His other hand tapped absently on his own knee while he was lost in thought. He suddenly noticed Hera and gave a lopsided smile. Hera quietly joined them on the couch and laid a hand on Ezra’s shoulder._ _

__“Is he okay?” she whispered._ _

__“He will be,” Kanan said. “I think. Kid’s had a rough time of it.”_ _

__“Mmm.” Hera looked sympathetically at the boy, still so young despite his street smarts and smooth talk and tough spirit. “I guess you’ll stay put for a while?”_ _

__“Well, I can’t exactly move,” Kanan said, cocking an eyebrow with a wry expression._ _

__Hera chuckled and shook her head. She quietly got up and went to a storage closet and brought back a soft blue blanket. She tucked it around Ezra, her hands lingering on his shoulders. She began to get up, then paused, and sat back down with one hand on Ezra’s shoulder. “Think I’ll stay put for a little while too.”_ _

__“Good night, then.”_ _

__“Good night, love.”_ _


End file.
